


Begin Again

by KaeCooks



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 07:35:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28774665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaeCooks/pseuds/KaeCooks
Summary: What if Hailey had accepted the position at the FBI?Light tag to 8x03NOT AN UPSTEAD FICI know I'm one of very few who like Upzek, so if you like Linstead but not Upzek, there's just one section that you can skip over.
Relationships: Adam Ruzek/Hailey Upton, Jay Halstead & Erin Lindsay
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	Begin Again

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all! 
> 
> I don't know about you, but my Linstead heart is THROBBING after that episode. OUCH.  
> Anyway, I dealt with it (and some Upzek feels) the only way I know how... by writing a new fic. 
> 
> Like I said in the summary, if you don't like/totally hate Upzek, just skip that one section and I promise Linstead comes back.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy. Feel free to let me know what you think! (WITHOUT throwing hate at any characters or actors. This is fiction, y'all.)
> 
> Much love, 
> 
> Kae

Hailey invited Jay to dinner that night. He’d looked so hurt when people had mentioned the FBI’s job offer. Drinks and an explanation was the least she could do. 

“Alright, let’s do this, just rip the band-aid off,” Jay started as soon as they’d put in their orders. “What did the FBI offer you?” 

“First, I owe you an apology. I’m sorry you didn’t hear about this from me first. I wanted to give it some serious consideration and didn’t want to scratch old wounds for nothing.” Though she hadn’t known that he and Erin had dated when she first worked with Intelligence, she’d found out the details over time. She knew he was still kicking himself for letting Erin go. 

Jay shrugged off her apology. It wasn’t Erin leaving overnight without even saying goodbye that still hurt. No, it was his own actions still plaguing him four years later. He’d been the one to ask Erin for some time before she left. She didn’t owe him anything. He just wished he never would have left her… then maybe she would have stayed. 

As if reading his mind, Hailey asked, “Why don’t you just call her, Jay?”

“It’s not that easy.” He kept meaning to call her, but every day was one day more that he talked himself out of it. She had a life in New York now. He couldn’t disrupt that. Still, there was a reason he never caught feelings for anyone else. “Can we just talk about what they’re offering you?”

She sighed, even though she knew what his answer was going to be. Oh well. She could argue it more later. For now, she obliged him, giving a summary of the job the FBI wanted her to take. 

“Well it’d probably be good pay,” he said when she’d finished. 

“Yeah,” she chuckled. “Honestly makes me a little embarrassed about what we get paid.”

“And you’d probably be really good at it.”

“Are you telling me I should take it?”

“I’m telling you it’s a good job for a good cop.” He’d told Erin something similar when a task force offered her a position:  _ there’s a reason they’re recruiting you so hard.  _ But it was different with Erin. Hailey was nothing more than his partner and a friend, but the deja vu was still - as she’d said - scratching at old wounds, reminding him exactly what he’d screwed up all those years ago.

“Well good. I’m going to take it,” she said bluntly. “I love Chicago and you’ve been a great partner the last four years, but this is a huge opportunity. I can’t turn it down.”

Jay swallowed hard. He wanted to be happy for his partner but - 

“You know,” Hailey said, interrupting his thoughts. “I could use some help moving. I’ll let you crash at my place however long you want, but you need to get your head out of your ass and talk to her.”

“It’s been four -” 

“And it’ll be one day more tomorrow. And another the day after that. I know not everybody sees how much you’re still kicking yourself, Jay, but  _ I _ see it. You need to at least talk to her.”

“What if she’s moved on, doesn’t want to talk to me?”

“Then you’ll know. You’ll have some sort of closure and maybe finally move on for yourself.” 

Jay mulled over his partner’s words. Despite any trepidation he had about what Erin might say after he left her, Hailey had a point. He couldn’t let this keep hanging over him. “Fine,” he agreed, “but you’re paying for my plane ticket back to Chicago.” 

* * *

Two weeks later, they sat at the table in her new apartment which was, by some miracle, almost the same layout as the one she’d had in Chicago. This made getting everything organized incredibly easy. 

“Ready for your first day, fed?” Jay teased. 

“As ready as I’m gonna be. You’re gonna make a phone call while I’m gone, right?”

“If nothing else, at least for pizza.”

“I gotta go,” she said, shaking her head at him. “You better have a plan figured out by the time I get back or I’ll shoot you with my fancy new government-issued gun.”

“Get outta here,” he chuckled. “Good luck.”

Hailey plopped behind her new desk with her lunch and pulled out her phone. 

* * *

_ Grow a pair yet? _ she texted Jay before digging into her food.

“I heard we got a new girl from Chicago,” a familiar raspy voice said, approaching her desk. 

Hailey quickly swallowed the bite she’d just taken. “Guess word gets around fast here.”

“Yeah, it does,” Erin smiled. 

Hailey’s phone buzzed on her desk and she glanced at it. 

Jay had replied:  _ Her number’s out of service. Still gonna shoot me for not calling her? _

“Your boyfriend?” Erin asked after Hailey let out a short laugh.

“Oh no,” Hailey answered. “Jay, actually.” 

“Oh.” Erin shifted from foot to foot. She still felt bad for ignoring his call on the bridge that night four years ago… but how does a person begin a conversation after skipping town without a word? “How, uh, how is he?” she asked awkwardly.

“Why don’t you come over after work? You can ask him yourself.”

Erin froze in place, her eyes snapping up to her former partner’s. 

“He helped me move,” Hailey explained. “Took a little extra time off hoping to find you, actually. I told him he could crash on my couch until he figured something else out.”

She pulled her lip between her teeth. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. We haven’t spoken in four years.”

“Probably because you’re both so damn stubborn.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re both stubborn, Erin. You can’t deny that. Look, I know he asked you for space and you were just giving it to him, and you probably have a whole life here now. But I saw that look on your face when I mentioned him. Just humor me, would you? If nothing else, it’s just dinner with a couple former partners.”

“Okay,” Erin agreed. 

“Great,” Hailey said, scribbling her address on a post-it note. “Do you still have my number?”

“Uh, no. I lost my phone about a year ago. Decided just to get a local number and carrier.”

Hailey added her number to the sticky and tore it off the stack, handing it to Erin. In turn, the brunette scribbled her new number on a different paper and left it on the desk. 

“See you around 6,” she said.

“Yeah. Thanks for stopping by.”

* * *

Six hours later, Erin bounded up the stairs toward Hailey’s apartment. As she walked down the hall, though, she slowed her pace. What would she say to Jay after all these years? What did he want to say to her?

She paused in front of the door. She took a deep breath to steel herself and raised her fist to knock, rapping on the door thrice. 

Hailey opened it a couple moments later and stepped back, waving her in.

Erin followed the blonde to the kitchen, just to the right of the door, and set the bottle of whiskey she’d brought on the counter. When she turned around, Jay was in the doorway.

“Hey,” she greeted quietly, taking him in. 

“Hi,” he responded. He looked older, devoid of the seemingly omnipresent sparkle she’d known in his eyes, like he was always just a second away from another joke. 

“Been a minute.”

“Yeah, it has.”

“I hope pizza’s okay,” Hailey said. I’m not much of a cook but I haven’t really had time to get groceries yet either.”

“Yeah,” Erin said quickly. “Pizza’s great.”

* * *

Dinner conversation was kept in relatively neutral territory. It was almost like they’d just seen each other yesterday, the way they interacted as they talked about the rest of the team and one or two of the crazier cases they’d dealt with. 

Jay tried to hide the spark of hope when he felt the weight of Erin’s gaze on him as she mentioned she was still single, but he made sure to fit into the conversation that he “hadn’t had the time” to pursue a relationship since she’d left. Their eyes had met briefly, when he said that, and neither of them could deny the words that were never said. She wasn’t over him. He still loved her.

Erin put on her best poker face, trying to cover everything she was feeling inside. Once they’d finished eating and gotten the leftovers and dishes cleaned up, however, she knew she had to talk to Jay alone _. _

“Hey, uh, know any good parks around here?” he asked her, as if reading her mind. “I’ve been sitting around all day, could use the walk.”

“Yeah, sure,” Erin replied, recognizing his question for exactly what it was. 

They pulled on their coats and shoes, slipping out into the hallway.

As soon as the door shut behind them, though, she put herself in his path. “You don’t really want to go for a walk, do you?” she said, more a statement than a question. 

“Do you?” he asked, watching her carefully as he took a step into her space.

She licked her lips, her hazel eyes looking into the depths of his grey. Rather than answer him, she pushed herself up on her toes and kissed him. 

In a flash, he pushed her against the wall, wrapping his arms around her and snaking his fingers into her hair. 

“This isn’t a good idea,” she panted between kissing him. She didn’t sound convinced. 

He froze regardless. “Say the word,” he rasped, his eyes darting over her face, “and I’ll stop.” 

She reached for his hand and started leading him outside. “My apartment is ten minutes from here,” she explained.

Dumbstruck, he trailed her out to her car. 

* * *

About 10 minutes after Erin and Jay left, there was a knock on the door.

Hailey went and opened it without looking who was on the other side. “That was fast,” she started to say, but stopped herself short. The person in the hallway was neither Erin nor Jay. She gasped, surprised. “What are you doing here?” she asked. “How do you know where I live?”

“I, uh, saw the lease sitting on your desk a couple weeks ago. Took a picture of the address so I could send you a letter at Christmas, on your birthday, you know, but uh, I couldn’t sleep last night.” He paused, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he gathered up the nerve for what he was about to say. “After that case with the kid - Makayla - a couple weeks ago, I got thinking real hard about the future.”

“And?” She would have assumed this was a conversation he’d want to have with Burgess. What the hell was he doing here?

“And it’s not something I want to talk about in a hallway after I drove for twelve hours straight.”

“Shit, Adam, you drove?” she asked incredulously, stepping back so he could come in. 

“Yeah. Didn’t feel like dealing with the hassle of O’Hare. I just wanted to come see you.” He followed her into the apartment and opened his arms to her. 

She obliged the hug, but kept it quick. 

He pouted a little when she pulled away. He’d almost forgotten how good she felt in his arms after their two years apart.

“Beer?” she asked. 

“Please.”

She grabbed them each a bottle and handed one to him as they made their way to the couch.

Adam popped the top off his and took a long drink, working up the courage to say what he came here to say.

“So,” she said, quirking an eyebrow at him.

“Hails, two weeks ago, when you told us you were leaving, it just - hurt - more than it should have, you know?”

“It did?”

“Yeah. It did.when we took a break two years ago, we said it was because it was hard working together and being together. But -”

“We don’t work together any more.”

“Exactly.” He looked her over carefully, trying to gage her reaction. “So what do you think?”

“I think it’s not an easy answer, Adam, for two reasons. One. You went back to Burgess after we broke up. We talked about her before we got together the first time, and that was fine, but you went back to her. You two were expecting a baby -”

“That was the result of a little too much alcohol and not enough protection,” he countered. “The only reason I was going to stay was for that baby, but that-” his voice caught in his throat. Despite Kim’s pregnancy being totally accidental, something neither of them were prepared for, losing that baby would forever be a wound that never quite healed.

Hailey scooted closer and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “I know,” she whispered, letting him lean into her. “I know. I’m sorry I brought it up.”

He shifted after a moment and she let her hand fall back into her lap. “So what’s the second thing?” he asked, voice thick with emotion.

“There’s 800 miles between New York and Chicago. Our jobs are going to keep us both working crazy hours. When will we ever get to see each other? Spend time together? Hell, Adam, when will we have time just for a phone call or a video chat?”

“We’ll make it work.” 

“I still care deeply for you, Adam, but -” she shook her head sadly, feeling conflicted and pained. “I don’t know if we can.” 

“If you’re happy here, then I’ll move. I’ll find a job up here - one where we’re not working together. I just want to be with you.” His yearning eyes met hers. “Hailey, just give me another chance.  _ Please. _ ”

Watching closely as she closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead, he was convinced she was going to say no, send him right back to Chicago. 

“I promise you, Hails, we can make this work,” he pled again.

She blinked up at him, studying him closely. Then in one swift movement, she closed the distance between them, capturing his lips in her own. 

This might wind up with both of them broken hearted again, but as he pulled her up onto his lap, she couldn’t bring herself to care.  


* * *

Deliciously sated, Erin tucked herself into Jay, using his shoulder as a pillow. They just laid there like that for a few minutes, relishing in the feeling of being wrapped up in each other.

“So,” Jay started.

“So,” Erin parrotted, blinking up at him.

“As much as I’d love to stay here and do this all night-” 

“Could you still do this all night?” she teased. 

“You have no idea,” he answered, beaming at her even as he was fighting to keep himself from pushing her onto her back and going right back at it. Up until now, they were almost able to pretend that nothing had come between them, that they hadn’t just gone the last four years without talking. As loathe as he was to break the euphoric bubble surrounding them - “We need to talk first, Er.”

“Yeah, I know,” she sighed, untangling her legs from his as she shifted herself to a sitting position. 

He followed suit, pulling the blankets up just far enough to cover their laps and handing her another small one because he knew she’d want it to wrap around her shoulders. 

“That night we were all supposed to meet at Molly’s. You were already on your way here.” It’s a statement, not a question.

“Yeah. Hank made a deal with the FBI. I had to go if I wanted to keep working as a cop.”

“Are you - are you happy here?” It hurt to ask, but he had to know. 

She shrugged. “It’s got its perks.” 

“But?”

“I miss everyone - especially you, obviously.”

“I thought about calling you, you know,” he said after a beat. “Every day since you left.”

“Why didn’t you?” she asked with a thick swallow. 

“Life got in the way… then I don’t know, Er, I was just afraid it’d been too long.”

She sighed, reaching over and dropping her hand on top of his. 

He twisted his hand underneath hers, interlacing their fingers. “I’m sorry, Erin, for everything. If I could rewind the clock, I’d do it.”

“But that’s not how life works,” she said, all the pain from four years ago seeping into her tone as she remembered the night he left, despite her begging him to stay. “What happened to make you leave? What was so bad that you didn’t think you could talk to me? We’d had more than our fair share of battles, sure, but we were doing so well and you just shut down. That’s not who we were, Jay.”

“Come here,” he whispered, pulling her into him. 

She tucked herself under his arm and hugged his still-bare chest, the feel of his warmth an immediate comfort. She listened as he quietly explained to her the horrors that he’d seen during his time with the Rangers, how the nightmares had come back and how he didn’t want to risk physically hurting her - or worse - if he lashed out in his sleep. All the while, his grip tightening and loosening with the ebb and flow of the emotion he was feeling.

“I’m so sorry,” he told her again when he’d finished. “I know I pushed you away but I couldn’t stand the thought of what could happen if I would have stayed.”

She pushed off of his chest so she could look him in the eyes and sighed, “I wish you would have told me this four years ago. I would have understood. I would have known that it wasn’t a problem between us.”

“Is that why you left without saying goodbye?”

She bit her lip and nodded. “You were the only one keeping me in Chicago for a long time, Jay. Aside from you, I just wanted to get as far away as I could from that city and all the people in it.”

“God, Erin, I’m so sorry,” he said again. “Could you ever forgive me for that?”

“Of course. Now that you’ve told me why, the only thing lost between us is time. I never stopped loving you, Jay. I don’t think I ever will.”

Her eyes sparkled with unshed tears, the emotion of the night getting to her. 

“I love you, too,” he replied, his shoulders sagging with relief. He leaned down and kissed her, pouring his whole heart into it. 

Sure, there were still a lot of logistics to figure out, but they had each other, and that was enough for now. 


End file.
